Boundaries explainer
What are your boundaries all about?
You can understand your boundaries as your sense of self and that can be impinged upon in many ways both externally and internally.
External damage to your boundaries can look like:
Physical violation - being hit, physical or sexual abuse, physical shocks, being made to suffer environments that are or feel threatening to you.
Spacial violation - not being given enough room, physically and emotionally, feeling or being trapped, constrained.
Verbal violation - your boundaries being crossed by being shouted at, by being disrespected, by being described as something you aren’t, misrepresented, patronised, attacked by tone.
Power violation - feeling controlled, blocked from doing what you want to do, being made to do something that isn’t aligned with you, being made to live someone else’s dream, being made to feel you have no power, authority or control.
Belief violation - being made to adhere to someone else’s beliefs, being forced into a belief system or ideology that doesn’t align with you, being punished for not adhering to your parents’ beliefs.
Boundary blurring - when your sense of self and sense of reality are questioned, denied, and misrepresented. This is what gaslighting is - and can look like being told you are wrong all the time, that what you think is invalid, being forced a different representation of the truth, having your truth and the way you see the world denied, unregistered or wilfully ignored.
Overshadowing - when you grown up with a narcissistic sibling/parent and their sense of self eclipses yours. This can look like: having to live your life according to your sibling’s needs and what they dictate, having their needs prioritised over yours, having your needs consistently unmet and discarded.
Internal damage to your boundaries can look like:
Lack of support: not being cheer-leaded, not feeling loved, feeling neglected, a parent favouring your sibling, not feeling prioritised, not having your needs met, not having your interests celebrated, not being allowed to play, not having your sense of self and the unique things you offer seen or registered.
Lack of identity confirmation: not having your sense of self being registered, not having your interests given space, not having people celebrate you, not having your birthday celebrated, not having special times about you acknowledged, not having your achievements registered, not receiving praise from a parent.
Lack of attention: Not feeling heard, not being listened to, not having your point of view taken into account, being constantly overruled or forgotten, not being given credit when it’s due.
Lack of mirroring: Being the only one in the family that is like you, feeling confusion at your sense of self not being reflected in those around you, not growing up with someone to reflect your morals, ethics, the way you see the world or the way you connect to people, not having someone to mirror your kindness and love.
Lack of protection: not feeling safe, being neglected, being parentified as a child and being denied childhood, being put into situation that could have been unsafe, your safety and needs not feeling considered, not having your future considered by your parent.
Lack of valuing : being forgotten, not being collected from school on time consistently, not being considered in decisions, your needs being forgotten, having a parent constantly not giving you attention, not being looked at, talked to and played with as a child.
Abandonment : feeling or being abandoned physically or emotionally, feeling your parent favours another child or their new family, being dropped by your best friend or partner, being ghosted, having your friends or family not show up for you when you really need them, having someone close to you say the wrong thing at the wrong time, being dropped from a great height or very unexpectedly.
When you feel anger arising, (which is often a sign that your boundaries have been affected) you can use this list to see if any of these resonate with what you are feeling.