Shame

One of the emotions that can wreak havoc in your body is also one that hides itself the best. It’s often the last emotional thread to untangle in the process I use because of its ability to hide. But there are sometimes ways of preventing it from getting stuck there in the first place.

As I perceive it, shame can be split into two categories: the shame we take on ourselves, and the shame that is thrust upon us. The latter is hugely wounding because we are passive to it, we are shamed/ humiliated - it is a trauma of sorts that is done to us. But it’s the former I want to speak about. The shame we take on ourselves is the one that we are responsible for and we have agency over. This shame, like the latter, can also register in the body as a wound and manifest problematically - contributing to pain, upset and imbalances in the body.

This shame can look like embarrassment, feelings of guilt and regret for things we may have done: errors of judgement, accidents, excruciating self-inflicted moments. When we make huge errors we bury the feeling, and we try to bury the memory often with it. It is so uncomfortable to revisit it feels profoundly unsafe. Shame breeds and strengthens in silence and in burying these feelings and not talking about them we are actually storing this discomfort inside us.

I know from my own experience that I have looked back at two excruciating memories I held - one was causing issues inside my body and the other wasn’t. One I had held since childhood and never uttered - this had grown hugely inside of me and was causing issues. The second memory - another error of judgement - I had accidentally shared with a couple of friends one night. They laughed so hard (with me, not at me crucially!) that the shame’s spell was broken. If you can turn around and laugh at some of these excruciating moments it actually diffuses their power and can release it all from your body preventing future havoc.

So perhaps this is something we and our children can all benefit from the next time we accidentally do something hideously embarrassing. Talk about it. Burst it’s bubble. Get vulnerable. Share the excruciating pain of it with laughter, and know you are stopping it from causing further pain or upset later down the line.